Something's made me sad

[yuna1971]

It's a family thing but I just wondered what you all thought.

It's my sister. She's older than me. Very shy, still single.
She hasn't spoken to me in over a year because I moved away from Bristol up north to Cheshire to be with Gary...and didn't tell her.
I had so much to do..I guess I just assumed she knew, or that my mum or dad (who see her regularly would have mentioned. They didn't.)

During this last year, I have still sent birthday cards and a Christmas card and sent little gifts with them.
A few months back they were all returned to me.

My mum...is sad for her, pitying her it seems (and I feel for her too) that she hasn't met that special person. All my sister seems to bring up is how "she's got no family" and "Rach hasn't bothered to apologise...been over a year".
Um...what about my cards, and gifts that were returned!! But no that doesn't figure...
I should have told her..I should have said goodbye (not emigrating for goodness sake, but that's what I've been told she said)
She cries tears about it. Mum feels sorry for her.

We were never close me and my sister. Used to fall out all the time. And we never saw much of each other when I was round the corner in Bristol!

So there you go...

Mum told me all the latest stuff (crying n what not) today. I just feel that mum is blinded by pity for my sister, wishing things in her life could be better...and this then makes her incapable of seeing how OTT this has become when it was just an oversight.

Just needed to share. I know exactly how Gary will see this...

[Merlin M]

Hmm I can kind of sympathise, my dad once didn't tell me about a (great) uncles death until after the funeral, and it took some time to forgive him (he has never apologised but he never does as he doesn't see when he gets things wrong) but I have accepted that it was most likely an oversight, he either thought someone would tell me or, more likely that I wouldn't care (which I did!)

But I agree she is over reacting, my sister never told me when she moved to London my mum did, I don't really care I am one of 5 it is easy to forget who you have told what!

It kind of puts you in a very bad situation though... I would try calling her and see if you can have a good chat. Moving is very stressful I am sure in time she will get over it, but if you try and call you at least show you are trying to make an effort...

[Angel]

Sounds like your sister was extremely hurt over you forgetting to tell her. Give her a call, swallow your pride and apologise for not telling her, that's what I would do, being a big softie who would do anything for peace lol! Seriously though it is better to sort this out as months turn into years very quickly and the longer you leave it, the harder it gets ...

[wks9362]

I think I would phone and apologise for not mentioning moving but explain how stressful the move was and explain how it was not intended as something to upset her. Also state that if you had not cared at all you would never have sent the gifts!
Good luck I know how difficult family can be at times but don't give up.

[Mrs Frog]

I was in a similar situation years ago with my Dad and after 9 years of not speaking to him we saw each other again at my Grandmas funeral,after deciding to stay in contact after a long chat it seemed that when my sister who was piggy in the middle and alot of chinese whispers and had acted as a go between had sort of caused more upset and sent chinese whispers back and forth so you may find that your Mums account of what happened is not 100%,when you can you could visit her,take a letter if you dont get to see her and ask to be able to at least chat about things and tell her that you miss her but also ask your Mum to not pass messages or talk about your sisters feelings as they may not be 1005 accurate,hugs to you xxxx

[yuna1971]

Thing is in the grand ole scheme of things... It was an oversight. We have never been close. We didn't see much of eachother when I was in Bristol. Maybe I'm hurt by having my gifts and cards returned. What about me in all this? I've never had any cards from her, despite me sending wishes. I know I sound awful but I can't help but feel its me doing all this kiss assing..for nothing back. By that I mean just a happy birthday or a merry Xmas.
I never left to hurt anyone. And I didn't forget on purpose.
If I go the extra mile here...what if its thrown back in my face.

I just don't like the fact that its all me that's the baddie.
xx

[Merlin M]

Yeah but it looks like it is a choice you have to make, your sister appears happy playing the victim in this so if you want it to get better you will have to bite the bullet and offer another olive branch!
I would feel the same as you do, I am a stubborn cow and know how to hold a grudge (usually with daddy, every now and again we have a huge fight and I wont answer the phone to him or see him for months till I am ready to let it go)
Some people always want to play the victim (like daddy) some people are stubborn and don't want to have to kiss ass when they know they are not in the wrong (like me) the only resolution is for one to give in and in my experience it is not the former...

[yuna1971]

Yes but she has a habit of playing on that. You say sorry..but you get a snidey response or text.
I think that some people can be pissed off if others got it good. I think it magnifys the problems they have even more and that just spirals into negativity and resentment.
I wonder - lets just say I had said I was moving. Would it have just still made her p off?
She rarely speaks to my brothers wife. He's uncomfortable even bringing his wife to mum and dads when she's about there as its embarrassing for his wife to be in the presence of someone who just ignores her. Truth. She used to..and my brothers wife is a lovely bubbly warm person.
I have a card which I will write in. I'll make the moves. Apologise although deep down I don't think it's the whole problem.
But it wouldn't surprise me to find it gets sent back..then I'll feel like a twit.
And she will feel like she's again got the upper hand.
It's all so blumming stupid..! xx

[alley cat]

I am sorry to say this but unless you moved overnight on a whim then I don't see how you could 'forget' to tell your sister.

If the situation was reversed would you not see the gifts as a cop out, she seems like she would have preferred a phone call or maybe notheing at all (some people like to stay the victim).

I have a sister that I don't have contact with but if I was moving away I would have said to my Mum "have you told ... I am moving away" and if she had said no then I would have asked her to tell her as I would not want to.

I suppose the question is do you really want to rekindle your relationship with her or are you being swayed by your Mums upset at you 2 being like this? (my Mum went through a long phase of trying to encourage me and my other 2 sisters to get back together with the estranged 1 but she has accepted it now)

[Merlin M]

Send the card to your mum to give to your sister, then at least your mum will see you are trying to make an effort, I think you may be right and not saying may not be the only problem. It may seem I am putting your mum in the middle but I think your sister has already done so...
I do think a call could be better, ignore the snide remarks, as it is more personal...