Trouble with dad.

[pagan queen]

My mum just rang (11pm) to tell me my dad wouldn't go to bed. I spoke to him and he insisted he didn't go to bed until the morning and he was going to sit up until 10 tomorrow. Poor old dad is very confused and mum can't leave him on his own in case he wanders off. I tried to get him to give her his keys but he was having none of it. Mum was shouting at him and he was insisting he doesn't sleep all that time, from 10pm to 8am and that he was waiting until tomorrow. Not sure what's happening now. It's very hard not being able to do anything and getting a call that late at night is very scary.

[emma_mcraf]

Feeling for you Wendy. I'm going through it with my parents right now too. Dad has been in hospital for almost 4 weeks and is awaiting a bed in a care home because he's now bed-blocking. Mother has been her usual narcissistic self. I'm just hoping now the social services are going to be involved in his care, he'll be safer.

It sounds as if your dad's Alzheimer's is worsening, which must be scary for him and worrying and frustrating for you. Just wanted to reach out with some empathy. x

[pagan queen]

It is hard Emma. I find it absurd that I have to discipline my dad over the phone. I have no idea what's happening now and if dad will wander off in the night.
Sorry to hear you are having trouble too, it never seems to end eh?
Mum just wants dad put into a care home but it's not her call, she seems to think she can say when she's had enough and they'll take him away.
I was at a clinic today and have finally been diagnosed with hypemobility syndrome and not fibromyalgia after all.

[emma_mcraf]

Originally Posted by pagan queen

It is hard Emma. I find it absurd that I have to discipline my dad over the phone. I have no idea what's happening now and if dad will wander off in the night.
Sorry to hear you are having trouble too, it never seems to end eh?
Mum just wants dad put into a care home but it's not her call, she seems to think she can say when she's had enough and they'll take him away.
I was at a clinic today and have finally been diagnosed with hypemobility syndrome and not fibromyalgia after all.

Try and get some rest. I know it's hard but worrying doesn't help the situation. I'm sure your dad will tire through the night and your mum will get his keys away from him.
Does he have regular checks still?

Is hypermobility syndrome a better diagnosis than fibromyalgia or not? What sort of an impact will it have on you? Is there anything more the clinicians can do to help you?

Dad and mum are thinking he's only going into a care home for recuperation but I'm not so sure whether dad will be able to walk safely with his zimmer frame again and if so, I'm not sure what decisions will be made for his welfare. He certainly isn't safe at home and I'm not happy that he is left for long periods of time when mum goes out, which is when he always has his big falls and I'm left to deal with it. If only they had got in carers and sit-in help as suggested by myself and so many paramedics over the past 2 years.

Even with carers coming in at set times to him at home, I know the stubborn bugger will try standing up and doing something he shouldn't as soon as mother goes out. I'm rapidly going grey!

[Pussygalore]

isn't it possible to put an extra lock or bolt on the door that your father can't open and does it really matter when he sleeps as long as he does? I realize its convenient/better that he's in bed but when he gets really tired won't he then go to bed. People don't get so tired if they don't have anything to do exspecially anything physical, my parents are often having a laydown/nap when i phone through the day and do wake up early because they don't sleep for long at night but it doesn't seem to do them any harm. Sorry but why isn't the decision to put your dad into a care home your mum's ? isn't she the sole carer, I know the rest of the family may not like it but unless you all take turns in caring for him I can understand why she's had enough. My aunt and uncle killed themselves a good few years back and my aunt did so after to many years of caring for her mum, my nana, the strain had just become to much and she wouldn't ask for help and no one else offered despite there being two sisters and a brother, we never knew why my uncle killed himself, I know I couldn't care for my mum she already drives me insane and I only speak on the phone. What ever I suggest is just 'interfering' yet I have to put up with her moaning on the phone for up to an hour and not allowed to say much, I can't stay there as there's no where for me to sleep, they won't clear the back bedroom to have a bed in there and we live 100 miles away so can't just 'pop round', they don't want to help themselves yet have the money to make life a lot easier, it takes the two of them to drive the car mum does the steering and dad the gears (automatic) and hand brake as mum can't move the sticks. It will take them killing someone before they'd admit they shouldn't be driving and get a motorbility scooter which is what I'd like them to do.

[pagan queen]

Originally Posted by emma_mcraf

Try and get some rest. I know it's hard but worrying doesn't help the situation. I'm sure your dad will tire through the night and your mum will get his keys away from him.
Does he have regular checks still?

Is hypermobility syndrome a better diagnosis than fibromyalgia or not? What sort of an impact will it have on you? Is there anything more the clinicians can do to help you?

Dad and mum are thinking he's only going into a care home for recuperation but I'm not so sure whether dad will be able to walk safely with his zimmer frame again and if so, I'm not sure what decisions will be made for his welfare. He certainly isn't safe at home and I'm not happy that he is left for long periods of time when mum goes out, which is when he always has his big falls and I'm left to deal with it. If only they had got in carers and sit-in help as suggested by myself and so many paramedics over the past 2 years.

Even with carers coming in at set times to him at home, I know the stubborn bugger will try standing up and doing something he shouldn't as soon as mother goes out. I'm rapidly going grey!

I did manage to get a bit of sleep. I stayed on the sofa, dozing until 4am then went up to bed.

I've sent you a PM.

Originally Posted by Pussygalore

isn't it possible to put an extra lock or bolt on the door that your father can't open and does it really matter when he sleeps as long as he does? I realize its convenient/better that he's in bed but when he gets really tired won't he then go to bed. People don't get so tired if they don't have anything to do exspecially anything physical, my parents are often having a laydown/nap when i phone through the day and do wake up early because they don't sleep for long at night but it doesn't seem to do them any harm. Sorry but why isn't the decision to put your dad into a care home your mum's ? isn't she the sole carer, I know the rest of the family may not like it but unless you all take turns in caring for him I can understand why she's had enough. My aunt and uncle killed themselves a good few years back and my aunt did so after to many years of caring for her mum, my nana, the strain had just become to much and she wouldn't ask for help and no one else offered despite there being two sisters and a brother, we never knew why my uncle killed himself, I know I couldn't care for my mum she already drives me insane and I only speak on the phone. What ever I suggest is just 'interfering' yet I have to put up with her moaning on the phone for up to an hour and not allowed to say much, I can't stay there as there's no where for me to sleep, they won't clear the back bedroom to have a bed in there and we live 100 miles away so can't just 'pop round', they don't want to help themselves yet have the money to make life a lot easier, it takes the two of them to drive the car mum does the steering and dad the gears (automatic) and hand brake as mum can't move the sticks. It will take them killing someone before they'd admit they shouldn't be driving and get a motorbility scooter which is what I'd like them to do.

The door is PVC double glazed and it is a council house so anything they do has to go through the council. Bolts would be no good as dad can just undo them it would have to be a second lock.
The issue was not so much that he wouldn't go to bed, it was that he was confused about the time. He just didn't understand that it was nigh time. He went to bed as he always does, at 10pm then got up again thinking it was daytime.
I and the rest of the family have no problem with him going into a care home. The decision isn't in my mums hands because social services make that decision and they think he is able to stay at home with my mum looking after him. She has no say in it until they deem it necessary.

[emma_mcraf]

Originally Posted by pagan queen

I did manage to get a bit of sleep. I stayed on the sofa, dozing until 4am then went up to bed.

I've sent you a PM.

Got it and responded. It's never-ending isn't it?!
Glad you got some sleep last night. x

[Evie]

Having experience with my Dad who lived with me for 3 years you can't reason with them as they have no concept of time or place

I had door bolts with star key put on every internal door and a dead lock on the front door - you can lock them and keep them and keep the key away from him

As long as he can't get out your Mum just needs to leave him sitting in the lounge - you can get a Motorola sense camera to monitor him

The thing is Wendy if your Mum is your Dads main carer and your Dad is unable to look after himself it will be up to her when she seeks help albeit a care home

[Evie]

Can I just say Wendy and Emma that my thoughts are with you both - it is one of the hardest thing to go through watching a loved one deteriorating in front of you

My Dad had 10 years living with his altzheimers and although he lived with me and it was a hard decision to have him taken into a care home. But it is extremely hard work and life changing for the carers.

[becciwales]

It's very hard work! My Gramp was poorly before Christmas and we cared for him around the clock until he passed away, he wasn't confused, but as a nurse, it is hard caring for people who are confused, you can't reason with them as they don't understand the same as we do, I feel for you both! xx