Jokes

[Jillyp]

Heard some before but not all of them

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at
least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the
steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in it, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet,
'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put
him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?''No, because he's really
heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can
you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[ME SHELL]

Hahaha brilliant Jill. I love one liners

[Bindi]

Ha ha, great jokes Jill...one liners I can keep up with

[cath]

Fab xxx jaws are aching

[EquestrianBabe]

Number 16, I've heard in my joke book in school, which is funny and makes sense, and number 11 about the man having a strawberry growing out of his head and the doctor giving him cream to put on it, funny! Because you use cream to heal cuts and things or cream on strawberries for a delicious treat! You're making me hungry!

[themayneman]

A lonely man goes to the pet shop to buy an animal for some company.

"I have the perfect pet for you," says the owner. "It's an amazing tortoise: it will do almost everything - and it even talks."

"I'll take it." says the man.

Later on that evening, the man decides to put his pet's skills to the test.

"Tortoise, go down to the shop and buy me a paper!" he cries, placing the tortoise on the floor outside the living room.

A year later, the man is still watching TV when he remembers his tortoise.

"FLIPPING HECK! That tortoise is so slow, I better go and look for him."

He steps out of his front door and, to his surprise, nearly steps on his missing pet.
"You're so blinking slow, you've been gone nearly a year. Where's my damn paper?"

To which the disgruntled tortoise replies, "Well if you're going to be like that, I won't go!"

[themayneman]

Deep within a forest a little tortoise began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The tortoise tried again and again whilst a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Darling," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

[themayneman]

Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

A. Where you left it, silly!

[themayneman]

A snail was crossing the road when he was run over by a tortoise.

A policeman came along and asked him what had cause the accident.

"I don't know," replied the snail, "It all happened so fast!!!!!!"

[themayneman]

Q. What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?

A. About 150 centimetres an hour!