Something's made me sad

[emma_mcraf]

Families can be hard work, that's for sure. My older sister and I have been through it over the years. I kept a great many secrets for her during her numerous affairs and we used to spend a lot of time together. Then I got married and had my first child. Suddenly she was jealous, despite having had two marriages and three children of her own by then. Our relationship slowly soured as she made many digs. She wasn't very helpful when my new baby needed major surgery and I let her know it and as a response, she didn't invite me to her third wedding. Despite all that we'd speak on the phone and email now and then until my husband was diagnosed with cancer and her first question to me was whether it was terminal or not. She caused a lot of trouble at one of my children's christenings and I told her I wouldn't speak to her for a few months as I needed time away from her. I stuck to my guns too. During this time I'd have my parents nagging at me that they didn't want to see her, didn't want to go and visit her or have her visit and they'd happily use me as their go-between. My mum didn't want to be the bad person in it all. In the end some really bad stuff about her when she was a young teen came to light and I got dragged into it all, despite being just 6 when it occurred. I won't go into the details but she led me into the path of a paedophile and although nothing bad ever happened to me as far as I'm aware, and I think I'd remember, I can't ever forgive her for that. We haven't spoken for quite a few years - no cards at birthdays or Christmas and I prefer just to forget about her. My mum and dad don't ever want to see her again either.
I know it's not the same situation as yours Rach, but sometimes you can try and try to repair a relationship because you think you should - because its family - but sometimes it isn't worth the hassle. Only you know if it's worth trying and how you'll feel if she responds kindly or responds badly. You need to weigh up those potential responses and decide if you want to try or not.

Was she there for you when you had a hard time in Bristol? Would you want to be there for her if she was ill and in need? Trust your initial feelings and instinct.

I said recently in another post that I don't know of one family who doesn't have an estrangement of some kind - all my friends, all extended family members, all my husband's work colleagues - they all have splits in the family. It's not unusual and sometimes too much water flows under the bridge to remedy things. We can choose our friends but not our family.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck and try not to beat yourself up about it. The situation has happened and can't be changed now. It's what you do next that matters. Only you can decide what to do. x

[yuna1971]

I will send the card. Mum said wait a few weeks as she thinks my sister will know mums been talking about it all. I'll send it. I know then I have reached out and tried.
Thanks all. Feel better after talking about it. xx

[emma_mcraf]

Glad you feel better Rach. Sometimes it's good to unburden. Take care. x

[pagan queen]

Rach, I think your sister sounds very troubled, possibly depressed. Maybe she needs to see her GP and get some counseling. She sounds so lonely and lost, maybe you didn't see her much but at least she knew you were there if she needed you, a kind of comfort blanket, but then you upped and left without a word, it's got to have hurt her.
I had a similar thing happen to me. My brother emigrated to Australia without saying a word to any of us. I was particularly hurt because I was always the one who was there for him, we spent a lot of time together, going out socially and I even went to meet him off his ship when he came back from the golf war (he was in the navy) when no one else bothered. I had to track him down via his old neighbours and now we still barely speak, I'll never feel the same about him again, it hurts Rach, and that is what your sister is feeling.

[becciwales]

I'm glad you feel better.

I don't have much family, I don't speak to my father's side of the family, long boring story (that leaves 7 people including me and my hubby) but I'm a stubborn mule too. I see your point, I get to the point where I wonder why I should be the one to make the effort all the time. But maybe its worth 1 more go. You can't feel bad for not trying then. Good luck xx

[yuna1971]

Thanks all..and Wendy, that thought has crossed my mind about depression. But my mum thinks not. I wonder if a low mg med might take the edge off? Just to give the mind some peace and quiet..
I had a good chat last night to my mum...she understands both sides.
We both decided that it would be better to give it a bit of time (as it would be obvious that mum spoke to me about my sister) and send the card with a letter inside say just before my birthday in November - I can then blag it and say I was wanting the write as I was thinking about her around my birthday. You see what I mean?
So I'm totally going to do that. I've set a reminder on my phone and I'll send the card then.
I'm not cold about it all. I do truly care about my sister and I'm sorry for her situation.
And yes it was stupid of me to leave and not say - it wasn't intentionally to hurt anyone, I can assure you. Alley...I did honestly think mum or dad would say as they saw her a lot more than me. But nevertheless, it wasn't good of me to at least say what was going on in conversation.
Anyway no more excuses. I'll try hard and lets see what happens. Like you said Becci, I can at least say I tried to right things. xx

[becciwales]

Definitely xx