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Old 14-06-2007, 11:19 PM   #41
laine21
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Pregnancy Help-Line
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman
and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.... Maybe!
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:21 PM   #42
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Pregnant & Expecting
"How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend john.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:22 PM   #43
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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:24 PM   #44
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Default Tortoise Joke for a change!

Changed to this one, put another in by mistake


An extremely upset tortoise crawls into a police station.

“I’ve been robbed by a marauding gang of snails,” he cries to the officers.

“Calm down,” says a cop. “Just tell us everything that happened, to the best of your memory.”

“That’s difficult,” says the tortoise. “It all happened so fast…”
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:30 PM   #45
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Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....

"I'm going to have a puppy!"
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:37 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by madmax
Blaze how many SEAMEN did you need or was it just one dose of semen, sorry couldn,t resist that one
hahaha, Luckily it was copied and pasted from another website, so it's not my typo this time!
__________________
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R.I.P Stompie.
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:50 PM   #47
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Pregnant
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.

Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten b*****d" You got me pregnant!!!"

Bill remained quiet.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN B*****D? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"

Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:52 PM   #48
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Multiple Births
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.

When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
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Old 14-06-2007, 11:56 PM   #49
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Max Brown, a young father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was giving birth to their first baby.

As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head around the door. "It's a boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!"

Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins. "But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way. Ring back again in a little while."

At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough. He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a third baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent.

Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.

When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was still going strong, "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck."
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