Things may be moving for dad at last.

[lynnedit]

How scary and upsetting this must have all been for you. I certainly hope the case worker comes through for you.

[kazzabb]

I can understand your anxiousness about your mum's reaction. When faced with a fear, or something which 'stops' an area of our lives, emotionally we return to the age that the fear started. Your intellect knows its wrong/unacceptable, but your emotional side is frightened. You wouldn't accept the same behaviour your mum displays, from another person. If a stranger, for example tried to throw something at us, or was violent or rude, we would stop that behaviour from them. That said, from what you've described over the recent past, and from uneducated eyes like mine, I'd say your mum has elements of a mental disorder, it sounds a lot more than just selfishness or rudeness or uncaring. I am relieved that finally you have come across a SW who has listened, and hope that it will result in you being able to see your father in a safe and caring environment - without it impacting on your own home.
karen

[pagan queen]

Originally Posted by kazzabb

I can understand your anxiousness about your mum's reaction. When faced with a fear, or something which 'stops' an area of our lives, emotionally we return to the age that the fear started. Your intellect knows its wrong/unacceptable, but your emotional side is frightened. You wouldn't accept the same behaviour your mum displays, from another person. If a stranger, for example tried to throw something at us, or was violent or rude, we would stop that behaviour from them. That said, from what you've described over the recent past, and from uneducated eyes like mine, I'd say your mum has elements of a mental disorder, it sounds a lot more than just selfishness or rudeness or uncaring. I am relieved that finally you have come across a SW who has listened, and hope that it will result in you being able to see your father in a safe and caring environment - without it impacting on your own home.
karen

My sister and I have spent many hours discussing this issue Karen. We thought for a long time that mum treated us so badly because she maybe had post natal depression and found it hard to cope with 4 children while my dad was away at sea for months at a time. We came to terms with it and began to try and build a relationship with her and to some extent we did. Then dad became ill and the cycle of abuse started again, only this time it's my dad who is on the receiving end. Mum seems incapable of having any feelings for anyone or care for anyone except herself. I have spent a lot of time researching this and have come up with either Narcissism or psychopathy. It seems very extreme but it fits her like a glove. When asked why she treated my eldest brother so badly (he took the brunt of it) she said "Your father was away and I had to take it out on someone" she seemed to think that was a perfectly acceptable answer. She is never wrong and will defend her point to ridiculous levels, to the point of it becoming absurd.
I do feel she needs help herself but find it hard to have sympathy for someone so hard and cold who has been the cause of so much pain and suffering for so long. She is 74 today and has spent her life letting everyone else look after her. She has never worked, never done house work, never done anything with her life except cause pain and suffering to people she should love. I don't think there is any way to change her now, she will go to her grave without ever knowing how to love.
I have aa lot of questions I will be asking family members who stood by and watched 4 helpless children suffering, knowing what was going on. My aunts, her 2 sisters, have said they thought, many times, that they should have reported her to SS but never did. They have said if it was happening now they wouldn't think twice. Maybe if they had acted then she might have got help and be a more rounded person by now.

[filardimarg2]

I am so pleased you & ur Dad are getting help now, you both really deserve it.
Your story sounds so much like my younger life with my mum, I nearly always went to school black & blue where she used a wooden spoon on me, she kept the house spotless & also worked but hated me because I was a girl & she wanted a boy.
When she died, (quite a painfull death) I was so pleased, (I know that sounds awful, but it is the truth) I felt more at peace in my own self than I had ever felt before. The last 10 years have been the best of my life.

Marg.

[kazzabb]

Jesus, some people just shouldn't have kids. My hubby's parents were vile to him. He was born in the 50's with club feet and was in and out of hospital for the first two years of his life, they said he cried all the time and it was annoying. He was often beaten, and used to hide in the chicken coop as a small boy. The stories he's told me made me sick. At 10 he fell off a roof and broke his arm, yet his father wouldn't take him to hospital. A neighbour had to intervene. Yet they treated his sister like a princess she got presents at Christmas and he not. They said he'd never amount to anything and he had ideas above his station. Now he's a success and has three companies, they now say he gets his drive from them! They are now ancient and ill and frail, and I can't love them as I should my inlaws, I care for their needs, but if they died tomorrow I wouldn't shed a single tear. I want to scream at them and tell them they are b*stards for the way they treated a small child and that they deserve every illness they get. When they moan about their illnesses and frailty, I want to say, 'well what goes around comes around' but of course I don't say it, I am friendly and polite and do what is correct. Hubby says he'll be more upset when our dog dies than when his parents die. He puts a roof over their heads, visits briefly, and pays for their needs but he says that's his duty and that's all he'll do. His sister is an alcoholic loser living in Spain. She visits them only when they pay for her airfare (with the money we give them), and they still think she is wonderful. In the 'old' days people didn't interfere. My mum knew that my 4 cousins were being very badly treated as children, and to this day she says she's ashamed that she didn't call the authorities, she used to have them to stay at ours often, just so that they'd have some respite, clean clothes and decent meals. In those days it seems that it was more shameful to report someone, than to be the person who was reported. Glad things are changing.
Karen

[pagan queen]

My dad is going into respite care for 10 days from tomorrow. My sister took him to look at the place today and he is a bit worried but liked the look of it. My sister knows 2 of the staff and said it's a lovely clean place with excellent facilities. I'm so relieved he will be safe for a while and will have time to recuperate. It will also give us time to sort out his future care.

[Merlin M]

That is good news, so glad he will get the care he needs and you will get your house back which will be better for you and your son!
Hope your dad makes a good recovery from his op!

[emma_mcraf]

That's good news Wendy.

[sandy]

Originally Posted by pagan queen

My dad is going into respite care for 10 days from tomorrow. My sister took him to look at the place today and he is a bit worried but liked the look of it. My sister knows 2 of the staff and said it's a lovely clean place with excellent facilities. I'm so relieved he will be safe for a while and will have time to recuperate. It will also give us time to sort out his future care.

Excellent news for you and your dad:0)